I’ve wanted to share this for a long time, but every time I’ve tried to shake the shame of who I once was, I’ve gotten sick to my stomach with nerves and brushed it aside.

I don’t want to fall into that pattern again though – that’s not me anymore.

That was me.

At certain times, it’s VERY easy for me to simply allow those voices in my head to seem real.

I’ve realized each time I’ve opened up and also surrounded myself with the right people, it has been an amazing growth experience.

Usually the things that make us feel this way are the ones we actually should AND need to do.

I want to be that person – the one who runs up the hill, over rocks, in a storm, through mud or water-whatever.

Even when I don’t feel like it.

And although there is lingering shame, this is a CELEBRATION.

I’m showing up as her and moving forward.

So here goes: Last week I celebrated 1 year of recovery from bulimia.

Honestly, it was really hard to even name it because I always told myself it was just an “episode”, and not my thing.

Before I knew it, it became my thing.

It’s not glamorous.

Not that other eating disorders are, but maybe you get my point.

It’s not pretty.

Through my divorce and for awhile after, I barely ate because it was the last thing on my mind. I didn’t have an appetite. I ended up loving the feeling and the look it gave me.

When things settled down, I found myself bingeing late at night alone. I started to feel out of control and could not imagine feeling even worse about myself physically so I thought I had to do something about my “mistakes”.

It became a thing once in awhile. I looked forward to the release of a night of bingeing – knowing in the back of my mind I could fix it.

So no worries! I’M IN CONTROL now.

I had lost everything so you better believe I wasn’t going to lose the feeling of being thin!

Even if I was WEAK.

And especially because of the image of the “other women” I was cheated on and left for being forever etched in my mind.

There was always that voice though.

A voice within me telling me I needed to stop. There were too many lies in my world – too many facades and not enough honesty. I LOVE being healthy and I LOVE health, fitness, wellness. I knew it’s what I wanted to do with my life and I wasn’t going to let someone or something ruin that.

So at the very start of 2018, I made a promise to myself.

It was largely inspired by the @toneitup #tiuloveyourbody challenge, for which I am forever thankful for. To be honest, through Tone It Up I’ve met some of my closest friends and really got into SoulCycle. Both of which have completely changed my life.

Because of both, I found myself and my happiness. I used to be so mad and sad and disappointed with my body – not only because it didn’t always look how I wanted it to look, but because it failed me.

With each miscarriage, I hated it and myself even more. Looking back, I see now that it was protecting me from that life. From a lifelong tie to disrespect, dishonesty, and never knowing my self-worth.

I was given a second chance, or rather a third one after the final loss.

If I was having a hard day and felt the urge to fall into old bingeing and purging patterns, I said thank you to my body for getting me through this EXTREMELY HARD time. Thank you for getting your strength back. It didn’t deserve this and I didn’t deserve this. After all, it was all in my head.

A lot of challenging things happened last year and there were bouts of time where I slipped into emotional eating those first few months. But I turned a new page each time when I wouldn’t allow myself to “fix” those episodes. I wouldn’t allow the purging part. I dreamt and looked ahead to this time now and knew I wanted to celebrate a YEAR, and beyond.

I wanted to be proud of myself.

I wanted to change the narrative -the story in my head. I wanted to squash the voices in my head telling me “just this one last time”.

I don’t even remember the last time.

And I plan to keep it that way. I have learned (and am learning) to manage my lows in healthier ways.

It’s not about the food.

It never was.

Years of yo-yo dieting could have been prevented if I knew then – It starts from within. It only took around 34 years or so to truly accept that. But hey, better late than never.

I’m ready for my 2nd act.

xo,

Lindsay